Jul 1, 2010

LIFE, question mark

Sometimes I tend to abandon this blog because it gets too personal. It orders me around and demands I reveal more of myself than I'm comfortable with. I don't like being told what to do so I do what I do what I do - I run away. Sometimes we run into each other on the interwebz but I can be cold-hearted. Blog looks at me with the fond smile of an old friend & I just ignore it, pretending we've never met. But then, on days like today I come back, arrogant in my certainty that Blog has no choice but to take me back. I have things to say and Blog always wants to listen and thus begins another "On" chapter of our tumultous, sometimes toxic, sometimes comforting on again/off again relationship.

Also, on the spur of the moment, I have decided to challenge myself to the 30 posts in 30 days thing that a lot of bloggers do. (well 31, as it is July). Starting today, I'm going to post here (however big or small) every day until the 31st of July. Forcing myself into being a writer by leisure, not just by profession so I can remember why I used to love it so much.

So anyway, yesterday my dear friend S wrote a note on Facebook "When I grow older..", which is now on her blog. Please read it and then come back and tell me she's an amazing writer. She's smart, she decided not to make a career out of writing. That's where things start going downhill. But I digress. S's post is a series of questions and realisations about the crisis of growing up. (Yes, it is a crisis, an unfortunate unavoidable one at that.) She inspired me to write this so at the end of it, if you think reading it was the biggest waste of your time, feel free to blame S. haha. :)

I'm curious by nature and I ask people (or Google, as the case may be) a lot of questions but this time around, I've been asking myself a lot of questions. Ever wish you had an internal Google that would just give you all the answers? Do you think if it were possible to measure the speed of thought, we would measure distances in space in "thought years"? (seeee - so many questions and I haven't even started the "actual" post.)

Do you ever reach a point in your life where you look at all your dreams, goals,achievements, ambitions and even materialistic pursuits - and wonder - "Why do I want this?"

The things you thought you wanted from life - do you really want them or have you just been conditioned into wanting them? By people? By society? By advertisements? ;)

Can anyone ever really be beyond cultural influence? So why do you think you are so special?

For all your independence and pride, did you really make all your decisions "independently" or have you surreptitiously been conned into them?

If I asked you "Who are you?", could you really tell me? Not your name, not your job, not your skills, not your hobbies, not your relationships - but who YOU are?

Can you evolve overnight and become a different version of yourself or are you just trying on a new skin for shock value?

Is it normal to regress to your teenage years as a form of liberation from your adulthood? Can you be living your life in reverse?

Do you feel passionate and blase about the same things in alternating bursts of dizzying euphoria and mindnumbing dullness?

Can home bring you comfort while also frighten you into depression? Can home be home without the people? Can you be home and still be a nomad?

When you don't cry - is it because you are really happy or are you too scared to feel...anything. If the happiness is bittersweet, is it really happiness?

If you are asked "What did you want to be as a child?" and you cannot remember, is it because it was that trivial or have you lost a part of yourself?

Do you find yourself wishing you had some psycho babble analysis to blame things on but you can't because you had such a perfectly normal and happy childhood?

When you meet someone new who knows nothing about you or where you come from, can it be a relief to hide behind the lack of identity? Or is it simply a chance to create an identity without pre-conceived notions?

Remember when your naivete and innocence was lovable? When did it become laughable?

"Good things happen to good people" they say and you believed it because you are an optimist. But are you sure? Are you really, really sure? No, really?

Can you be a cynical optimist? Why not? It's like believing Evolution was followed by Creation. Or being Agnostic. No?

Is faith (in anything) good or are you just kidding yourself? But you're a daydreamer - do you really want to let go of that just yet?

Are you being impulsive and "listening to your gut" or is it just the devil-may-care attitude frothing up to the surface?

Why is it when men are nice, you think "he's a nice guy" but when a girl is nice, she's flirting?

If being nice was cool, would more people be nicer or is bitchy always going to be in?

If you put yourself before anyone else, is it okay not to feel guilty about it?

Do we put too much pressure on ourselves to be perfect?

Do you feel like you're constantly falling short of expectations that no one has of you but yourself?Once you start falling short, do you stop trying or do you just go harder? Are you running around in circles then or is it a marathon with an eventual finish line? Do you stop if you run out of breath?

When your heart tells you you want to do something that will "make a difference", why does your mind shut it up with "wise" words spouting "impracticality" "no future" "what will you do for money?" and even "rubbish, what difference could you possibly make"? Is this part of societal conditioning or are you too afraid to take the leap? Will you do it anyway?

Can we really have it all? What is this "all" you speak of?

P.S. Don't ask me "What brought this on?" or anything to that effect. They're just questions...at some point you've probably asked yourself some of these too.


Anonymous said...

Wow! That's a barrage of questions...and don't really have answers for most! One thing I agree with --- I do wish I had an internal Google to give me all the answers. And internal google and a crystal ball...and I'd be fine! Sigh. I'm going through a phase at the moment...trying to make a decision and then there's all these questions...despite making a pros and cons list. Why can't things be easy sometimes!!!???

On a different note...you are going to be blogging everyday??!! Wow! Looking forward to it...missed you on here...

Legal Alien said...

ah yes the crystal ball. a time machine would be pretty cool too ;)

And yes, I'm going to try. I've been really slack. Hope you're well :)