Get your tits out girls

Read this article then weep. And weep some more. For feminism. For women.

My favourite bit?

"And when it comes to the workplace, despite the fight for equal pay and equal rights, some women (many women) know that a good push-up bra is a better investment than any PhD."

Thanks Sammy B. So you're saying I should have spent a few hundred dollars on lingerie instead of spending so many years, thousands of dollars and so much time on my education? Wow, I sure have my sense of achievement all mixed up.

The general response to the article has no doubt been outrage.  Yet, on Twitter I have seen so many women say things to the effect of: "What's the big deal" or "It's ridiculous...but it's true. Ladies should use what their mama gave them". To those women, I say THANK YOU for taking women (everywhere) further back into the dark ages and for furthering the cause for sexism. Now please, shut up.

I'm not naive. Getting your tits out to get up the proverbial ladder is the oldest trick in the book. And it happens everywhere, I know that. Sexist pigs who don't think women have brains obviously only pay attention when you rock a bit of cleavage. Unfortunately, there are women who simply pander to this archaic sexist way of thinking and use their umm..."assets" to..how do they say it.. "to their advantage" (vomit).

In other words, they're saying to men "Ok, I get you like to objectify women. So let's just not worry about the fact that I have a Master's degree and am probably smarter than you because you know, I have boobs. So here's my cleavage. Oh and I'll throw in my sexy bum and my long, toned legs too. Now how about that promotion? I've earned it on my own merit right?"

Your merit drank itself to a depressing death the moment you started thinking about "using your assets to your advantage". I know it's a man's world and a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do. But you know what a woman's gotta do? Stand up and say it's not okay. Say, "Hey douchebag I ain't got no cleavage for you. But hey guess what, I do have the qualifications and the experience. NOW how about that promotion?"

If you think you're doing the SMART thing for your career by giving in to sexist pigs, you've probably looked up the wrong dictionary for the meaning of smart. If you are moving up that workplace ladder thanks to your boob-baring skills, you're a sexism enabler. It fails to be an achievement then. It fails because if it were you vs a man, it wasn't a fair fight. It was your ta-tas vs his brains.  I'd say it'd be a fair fight when it was brains vs brains and you get picked over the man, because of your smarts. Because you're equal. Then we have a real case of achievement in our (what often seems like) never-ending fight for equality in the workplace, at home, in the world.

So my titty-flaunting sisters, the next time you high five yourself for your win over a man and doing your bit for women's equality, please, STOP. We'll take it from here.

#NaBloPoMo: An (opposite of) Ode to Bras

I'm a bra girl. I am a firm believer of keeping your girls under control whenever you leave the house. I will put a bra on even if it's just to go pick up the Thai takeaway.

When I first started wearing a bra, I used to sleep in it. Can you imagine the horror of it? I was sure if I took my bra off for too long, my boobs would become ginormous overnight and I didn't want that kind of attention I decided. For a large part of my teenage years I wore a sports bra over my bra so I'd hide any hint of curves and look as flat-chested as possible. I know, I had issues.

I like my boobs now but they're still restrained in public. I will never buy a dress or top if I can't figure out how to wear a bra under it. I once fell in love with a dress with a very low back and questioned the bra placement. My friend said I'd have to go braless and that's where my love story with the dress ended. Braless? In public? Umm, no. I'm much too prudish in this regard. Some people do "no bra" dresses very well but I'm just not one of those girls.

This obsession with bra wearing isn't because I love bras. I loathe them. I wear them because of my aforementioned issues with Freedom of Breast-spression but the best part of my day is coming home and taking it off. Unhook, slide strap off and slither arm under, repeat with other arm. Grab bra from under sleeve and yank out. Bra gone. You know the drill. If you're in a strapless, even better - you can take the damn thing off in one swift motion! The pleasure of being unrestrained is unexplainable to a man. It's probably how they feel about going commando but it's not quite the same. Their privates aren't strapped in, they're simply held in place.

Weekends are good. You can be bra-less and 100% mark-free for longer. If we don't particularly have to be somewhere on a Saturday night, the decision making process often goes like this:

"Going out involves wearing a bra (and possibly heels too). Is the place cool enough/ is the food good enough to warrant giving up my bra-less state?"

Often, going bra-free wins over going out. Sad, I know. Old people like, I know. But honestly, sometimes it's really not worth the effort. Don't deny it ladies!

And then there's also the misery of washing them. Honestly, bras have been around FOREVER, so have washing machines. Why hasn't someone come up with a way to throw your bras in the washing machine without worrying it will come out mangled and shapeless? I have the additional misery of having to hand wash my sports bras as well. 2 bras per day, every day. Where's a maid when you need one?

Bra shopping? Don't even get me started. It's right up there with jeans shopping and bikini shopping. If you want your boobies well protected, you want to invest in a decent pair. But decent pairs are expensive. Plenty of cheap bras at Best & Less to choose from, I know. But then your girls will be more Less, less Best. Never mind that irrespective of price tag, finding a pair that fits just the way you want is just too much to ask for. I told you, don't get me started.

Dear "bra-burning" Feminists (forgive the cliched myth but it was necessary in this context), I totes get it. It's oppression and I want out. Literally.

And no, don't say it. I'm not going to wear an Ahhh Bra.

*This post is part of the November NaBloPoMo blogging challenge.